Reminiscing...The journey so far

Today is the 24th of December.
On exactly this day last year, i made the biggest mistake i have ever made in my short life thus far.
And this mistake cost me dearly, it followed me into 2010, was the cause of 85% of my problems this year, totally ruined my reputation, credibility and sanity.
It took away alot from me, it took my courage, it took my then called 'friends'
Do you know what it feels like to walk into a room full of laughing, chatting people, and the room goes silent?
Have you faced several heavy and hurtful accusations with no way to defend yourself?
Have you needed someone so badly and they conveniently decided not to talk to you?
I think the worst part in all of this, is the hope i had.
i can be such a pathetic loser sometimes
Looking back today, i stand here a broken and bitter person.
Wishing i'd done things differently, wishing i'd never done anything at all. wishing i could go back, erase everything, make everyone forget about it, act like it never happened.
 There was a time i thought i'd never be happy ever again, and so i let myself sink, i felt sorry for myself, i was so close to suicide, i never told anyone how i stood crying, with 2 bottles of extra-strength Tylenol,  wondering if it would hurt and how long it would take.
But slowly, with the help of God and a few close friends, i was able to pick up the broken pieces, to push through everything.
I can honestly say that in the past month and half, i have been happier, more emotionally and mentally stable than i have been this whole year. I had a crap year and i'm not going to stand here and point fingers but changes have to be made. No more emotional bullshit, i've indulged in self-pity for too long. I am fucking awesome and have wasted a year of my life bullshitting.
 i am going to learn from and rise above my mistakes, move forward and make my 2011 so much better than 2010.
And by this time next year, i shall have another story to tell. A better one. A happy one.
I'm on this, best believe that!!

                                          Too Blessed to be stressed!!

I Need New Friends

Or maybe i just need someone to talk to..
There's nothing wrong with my old ones but,
lately, I've had a lot of bad stuff going on in my life this past week, and then to top it off, another uncle of mine died.
I've spent every day since living from one minute to the next, barely eating, just surviving.
and no one noticed, that i had no appetite, that i was constantly moody, angry, confused and out of sorts, that i needed to talk, that i was lonely.
I needed to talk to someone... just to get these feelings out,
and that was when it hit me.
 I had no one to talk to.

Usually i had Kema, she is like my best friend and  i love her but she is the worst comforter ever. In situations like this, she doesn't see reason to be upset, she listens with half an ear, airs out her opinion and brings up irrelevant things, i know she means well, but i tend to avoid deep talking with her....

Then I had Adam, he was better at listening but really bad at advising as he would proceed to point out all the things that could be worse than they already were. I would have called him, but these days, he doesn't really give a rat's ass about me or my problems anymore..

Elekty, Nancy and Sesi, the ones i see everyday, i tried.... i honestly did. But they always end up thinking im joking.....
Everyone else i talk to outside these are just acquaintances, and i mean it in  all ways possible. People i see, smile at, make inconsequential small talk with , who barely know a thing about me and vice versa.
I needed to talk to someone so badly
i went through my phonebook, bbm contact list and skype.
How can someone have so many 'friends' and still no one to talk to??
Most people don't know i'm really emotional, i tend to write my problems out, but sometimes i need to talk too...
and i really needed to talk,
Actually, i still do...
so maybe i don't need new friends
maybe i just need someone to talk to......

***

Bitch Please

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo pissed right now!!!

So this stupid bitch, that i fucking hate... claims to be 'intimately involved' with someone i like/liked

Why does it bother me you ask???

BECAUSE she keeps insinuating it near me.
why are you saying it near me? what the fuck do you want me to do about that??

would you like a condom with that comment?? 

This is her pathetic little attempt at making me jealous??

So you sleep at his house, so he texts you, so you spend time with him and you call him ..BIG.FUCKING.DEAL!!!

Am i supposed to be miserable about that??

Abeg bitch, 

Go and take a flying leap of faith off my fucking balcony for all i care,

and if you say that shit near me again, imma kick you outta my  house #StraightUp

Fuck Everything?

Fuck society. Fuck normality. Get piercings. Get tattoos. Do drugs. Get high. Drink ‘till you pass out. Have sex. Love with all your heart. Play the music loud. Live your fucking life. Fuck what people expect of you. Do what makes you happy.

....

That girl had some demonic looking smile on her face. The look where you got something you been wanting for a long time. As I stared at her in that brief instance, It was like a window to her soul, I don't know how to explain it but I could see exactly how she felt. I saw the childlike glee first, a victory..and her first at that. I saw the smirk next.. She was glad, and she felt that I had finally gotten what I deserved. And finally I saw the gloat, she was gonna dangle it over me every chance she got.It went away as soon as she saw me staring. And that, more than anything else that had happened made me want to weep. She had done what she felt she needed for herself.
I was speechless. I didn't know what to say and there wasn't much I could say. I wish I had told her before that, that I wasn't fighting with her.. I never was especially not now...
My throat felt sandpapered. I wished the world would open up and swallow me. But it didn't.
I turned around before the tears fell. I still had my dignity. And the stupid bitch wasn't gonna see me cry.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

How I Feel Right Now

Not every girl wants to be in a relationship.....
           Some just want good company, a fella to vibe with, converse with, laugh with. Not in a rush about anything, We're both young, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us. 

           Start off simple, and let the rest find Itself. Just Having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and a good feeling. Minds connecting, Both on the same page, No bullshit, having someone that actually listens to you, your thoughts and wonders. Someone to cuddle when i'm lonely, a shoulder to cry on, someone to disagree with and fight with 'sometimes'. lol
      I don’t need the label “In a relationship” to feel that you care for or enjoy my company. Be sincere with me, it’s quite simple really. As a lady, I don’t expect nor need you to wine and dine me, I'm pretty sure i can pay for my own things. I don’t expect anything but your respect and company.

Birthday Suit

I have an alarming lack of sleepwear
I went out and got one. Its a sleepshirt. Pink, black stripes.. and mickey mouse. #NothingSpecial.


Let me be the first to say that.. i don't like my body.
i look slim... but i really am not.
I hate my tummy. i could give you a million reasons/excuses why i hate it and why it is the way it is, but the bottom line would still be how much i hate it.
I hate my skin.. i have terrible skin, and its not just my facial skin.


But
i LOVE to sleep naked.
It started back in boarding school in Nigeria. During a fierce heatwave, when it felt like the fans were blowing hot air against my already inflamed body. I couldn't take it. I took off my clothes.. everything except my panties, lay body down and slept.
I liked it. 
and even when the temperature returned to its normal state, i kept at it.
I spiced it up.
Sometimes i took a shower just before bed, then flung my dripping wet body on the bed and dozed off. That was the absolute best.
Sometimes, i woke up, lathered myself in body cream and put on one of my numerous pairs of thongs. It made me feel sooo damn good. i literally used to daydream in class about going to bed.
Sometimes my friends teased... but no one ever really complained ( i wonder why??)


        Boarding school flew by and i found myself at home. I couldn't really sleep nude at home. I had two small sisters who crawled into bed with me almost every night. Plus my parents didn't really believe in knocking, and they didn't believe my room should be locked either, i was also a late sleeper and later riser. basically, it was way to complicated to navigate and i got used to my sleepwear again
College rolled around, i definitely wasn't going to sleep naked with an unfamiliar roomie, who knew what kind of lesbian tendencies she could have had ( thankfully none lol)


I couldn't bring myself to sleep naked though.. shyness maybe? 
This was the period in my life where i actually began to notice the slight bump in my tummy, the varying hue in my skin tone, the weight gain... and dare i say it? the stretch-marks ( damn weather and junk food).
I began to feel like a huge blob. 
So i didn't sleep naked, i slept in a little as i could... tiny tank-tops, extremely short shorts and even in just my under-wear on extremely good days.
Come summer 2010 a.k.a  Hell on Earth.
Did you guys feel that heat? i spent the bulk of it in Hamilton. Ooooh my Lordy, the breeze was warm and sticky, even the rain was hot!!!!
It was straight back to my familiar routine of taking a cold shower and flinging my gloriously wet body onto the bed. Yippie!!!
Then i moved to get ready for uni, i crashed at so many different places and you don't expect me to sleep naked all over town do ya?? lol
Uni starts, got an apartment blah blah blah...




    One day, too lazy to change, i fall asleep in only my panties. and i slept better than i had in a looonng while.. and i woke up with a smile on my face.
And so it continues... 
There's this amazing feeling i get, from feeling the air on my bare skin
I feel like such a sex-kitten 
Hot, sexy and naked in bed
Sometimes wet.. sometimes oiled up
I feel confident
I run my hands up and down my luxuriously long legs
Toss, turn and muddle my sheets up.
Pulling my fingers through my hair
over and over again...
feeling like such a queen
I never touch myself though 
Never ever.
i believe God created the male species for a reason.
Its Adam and Eve,
not Madam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve
and definitely not a solo human. he created a pair.
A hammer can never do the job of a screwdriver, at least not perfectly.
And a screw cannot magically enter a hole by itself, it's fellow screw cannot help it get into the hole and a hammer might get it in but it gonna be ruined.
So invest in a screwdriver than make do with a hammer.
But i digress 
This post has been rather scattered, random, a little bit off-point and now i can't remember the point i was trying to make, so i shall just end here.
Sorry about all the #Tags. Clear effects of twitter.




                                                              *Kisses*


P.S
Firstly, This is MY blog. Emphasis on 'MY'. If you don't like it, don't read it. 
Secondly, I do not live to please anyone (#Subliminal)
Thirdly, I recently found out i have haters (surprising innit), if you are one of them or you think badly about me/ any of my blogs , kindly adhere to the following instructions


   *Jump into the nearest river/canal/ocean/ body-of water and swim to babylon. If it just so happens that you are in babylon already, please swim to australia instead.*
Let me know how the trip goes.
         
                                                              ..::GaGa::..

A Lying DramaQueen

I'm not sure how i feel right now.
Numb? Yes
Shocked? Yes
Tearful? Very.......


       A rumor gets halfway around the world while the truth is still putting his shoes on.
Assuming i did all you heard i did?
Above all things, i'm you're friend. At least i thought i was. If the whole world had their backs turned against me, i certainly did not expect to see you there. Everyone makes mistakes.....so i can't be forgiven? i can't? really?


      But then again i told you i definitely did NOT do any of those.
and you didn't believe me.
I never lie to you, even when i should. I'd rather not say anything at all, than to lie to you.
     ''You're Lying'', you said.
     '' I don't believe you and you're lying''.
That was when the first tear fell.
     ''So many holes in your story''.
     ''You're not making sense''.
You wonder why i was silent?
You wonder why i choked on my words??
I cried.
Not because you were right, but because i could not believe that you of all people would throw those words at me. That you were so willing to think the worst of me.
I thought we were in a good place.
I thought we were stronger than that.
but thats just me... thinking wrong again.
If at all everything else went wrong between us, i thought we'd be friends till the end.
I thought i'd always be able to call on you in my darkest hours.. and that you'd answer.
Me and my stupid thoughts, the joke's on me.


  You said i bring drama to your life. 
wow.
   I am a drama-queen. I accept that, everyone knows that. but thats not the drama you meant.
Do you know?
      What i went through?
       What i still go through?
because of you???
because i loved you???
       No, you don't.
and you never will.
        Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh.          
              You want me out of your life? i'll go. and i'll take my drama and lies with me.
Don't kick me out like some dog. i'll walk.
I'll walk far and fast and i won't stop till you're happy.
    I did learn a lesson from all this though. Never go after something you clearly were not meant to have.
This is an ode,
to a friendship that was doomed from inception. 
We were all too blind to notice.

i miss u cnt wait to put my arms around ya ...like gyptian b am nt goin to be like a bike man goin vroom vroom vroom vrroom!! hehehe

Mumu!!!!! @_Akakan Im gonna hug you harderrr!! too bad i cant lift you up but i'd most def try!!

Ask me Something!!! :-D

Hugs and Squeezes

Hugs are one of my absolute best things in this world
I believe that everyone i talk to is suited to a particular type of hug depending on our relationship and how close we are.
Ofcourse they don't always know this ;p
Sometimes though, the right person gives me the right hug
oh boy....... oh Joyyy!!!!!!!
A hug can literally make my day.. or 2 days even!
Therefore, i have compiled a list of my best ( and one worst) hugs
( Yes, i actually did and you're gonna read it cuz really.. what choice do you have)






Tight hugs: The ones where they just hug you super tight for a long time with no words.
These are like alcohol to me!! My absolute best-est-est-est!!!!!

Unexpected hugs: The ones where you’re just doing your own thing and they come from behind and hug you unexpectedly. This is typically a boy hug... if a girl ever did this to me, it would be VERY VERY akward ( this is to all my homo-ish friends out there oh!! biko, i love you but dont hug me like this!! Ever!! Thank You) 

Lift up hugs: The ones where you run up to them, and they have their arms all wide, and you just run up and you lift up your legs and they carry you. This is a very disney-like hug.. very dramatic and i've probably only like twice.. i have fantasies of doing it again someday.... preferably in a corn field somewhere.. or on a busy street in the rain. (A girl is allowed to dream right??)

Spinny hugs: The ones where they hug you and spin you around in circles. I dont even know why this hug is here. These days, everyone that hugs me seems to spin, even when they don't do the full 360 circle, they atleast move 180 degrees.. or even 90 degrees but they all seem to move. Stand still jo!! abi are there soldier ants in your feet?? kmt
I love this hug oh!!  just that so many random people that i just meant to hug and move away like to prolong the issue. This doesn't mean that anybody should stop hugging me abeg, half- bread is better than none!!!

Vanessa Hug: This ofcourse is the part where i hug you, anyway i want, regardless of who you are and how you feel about it. The point here being that i want to hug you and therefore im going to hug you. Usually given at random either when i feel like i need a hug or i feel like you need a hug. #ThankMeLater

MY WORST HUG
happens to be that one arm-one sided hug. I hate that hug and im not usually one to hate or procrastinate against any kind of hugs but.. damn damn damn... i hate that hug.
If and as long as you have to working hands and a working fully rounded torso then don't hug me this way and best believe that when people hug me this way.. the first thing i say is 'idiot' (usually out loud to my friends and in my head to all others)
But if you are an adult, or teacher, or any of my mother's./father's friends
PLEASE
Hug me this way.. i wouldn't want it any other way and i promise not to call you an idiot (both in and out of my head)

                                                     *Kisses*
                                                 ..::GaGa::..

Appreciation

Moving on is as hard to do as moving a large boulder uphill .... not impossible, but quite difficult. 
Having good friends to help you clear the tracks, push with you or simply cheer you on, makes it a whole lot easier.
I don't say this nearly enough..... in fact i don't even say it at all..lol
But let the records show, that i appreciate my friends!!
I really do!!

she feels heartbroken and he doesnt know why because they never really had anything..........

Hello??

Anybody out there??
i have realised that
its high time i get professional help
like a therapist or psychologist.
but i really do need professional help
i told my parents
they laughed
very funny
they wont find it so funny when i  overdose
or slit my wrists..
ha fucking ha
who's laughing now
nobody....

My Roulette

And you can see my heart beating

You can see it through my chest

And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving

Know that I must must pass this test

So just pull the trigger

           

                        -Rihanna 

I used to think russian roulette was a very stupid and dangerous game... actually... i still do

but now.. i feel i can relate with the players on some level...

i dont exactly know why they feel the need to play with their lives for the sake of getting a 'thrill'.

I can relate to their feelings.. because on one hand, he/she might not get shot, and thats all fine and dandy.. but they also realize that they might get shot and that the consequence of getting shot is probably death or a life threatening injury that could leave them as vegetables.. either way, getting shot is not good..... but somebody's gonna get shot.

I feel like im in a position where i'm inevitably going to get shot...

i dont mean literally... i mean, like im going to get hurt

theres a tiny possibility that im not going to get hurt

a ten in hundred chance that everything is gonna be ok

but theres also a 90 in hundred chance that i get hurt.

Why dont i stop playing?? 

because like the poor roulette players.... i just cant

im driven by need and curiosity

to see the outcome

am i gonna be that lucky 10 in 100

able to tell the story another day

or am i gonna get hurt

hurt on a level that i may never fully recover from

but its a chance i have to take

because i have to know

because i wont rest 

till you point the gun at my head

till i see you pull the trigger

till you hurt me bad enough

that i cant take even an inch more

till i am weak and broken

i may be asking for trouble

but i have to know

lets talk about it

once and for all

let it all out

shoot me a million times

i really dont care or mind

heal me or hurt me

just do something

ANYTHING

Where art thou?? Come Quickly

Yeah, im talking to you Fall!!!!

cuz summer is killing me here mehn!!

There is a HUGE difference between Nigeria and Canada in terms of summer, cuz in naija, no matter how hot it is, the wind must still blow and it must always be cool.

This stupid mass of confused weather that calls itself Canada ehn... i see why people didnt really fight to colonize it sha and i also see why britain didnt argue when Canada wanted its independence because seriously yeah, who wants this hot mess of weather.

The weather here is exactly like someone is standing in the sky aiming a giant blow dryer on heat towards the earth.. or rather, towards Canada.. or even towards me. Its soooooo Hot!! and then when the weather decides to be stupid, it goes winter on our asses and leaves us shivering in our little booty shorts and tank top cuz we expected hot weather.

I try to cope in this weather tho, i have a giant fan plugged in by my side, Hooking me up with much needed air because it seems like the air in this country only moves in winter when we dont want it.

I suggest Tim Hortons Iced Cappuccino if the heat is getting to you, it does wonders for the soul and the body.. wholesome goodness.. hehe

I hate Tim Hortons though, because they are too stupid to see that if they start accepting debit cards, they would probably make more money than Starbucks ( atleast in Canada)

because i hate holding cash on me.. and most of my coins go to laundry and vending machines so whenever i need coffee, i have to find somewhere to get some cash-back which mostly involves me buying some next magazine or pack of gum just to get 3 loonies to buy some damn coffee.

And when that fails, i have to go to the bank and WITHDRAW which i hate doing, i really do hate to have cash on me at anytime, and at the bank where the minimum withdrawal is $20, then i go to tim hortons and they break the money into smaller pieces all for a $3 cup of cappuccino??

It hardly happens to me though cuz i have a Tim-Card but when i forget to reload my Tim-Card.. it sucks!!!

The point of this long story being that Tim Hortons Iced Cap helps you cope with the heat and that you should buy it.

Swimming is soooo yummy at this time of the year, that really goes without saying tho.

My best season therefore are

1) Fall

2) Spring

3) Winter

Summer is not there yet.. until it behaves itself...

**********************************************************************************

About my Last Post :

I realize its a bit ... (errr whats the word) Harsh? Deep? Mean? idk

I was writing in anger and its shows a bit of the deranged and teenage part of me (raging hormones and all)

BUT

Even though im in a much better mood now, i meant every single word i said.

A lot of things and people are dead to me from this point on.

I promised myself that i'd stick with it

and i promised to bear the consequences.

Some people may be disappointed in me

( Im really really sorry Somto)

But hey, thats life and you cant please everyone

i hope tho, that when im done,  i can find myself again.

Deuces 

xx

My World 2.0

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

(Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a broken heart)

Sometimes, i ask people if they would change some of the things they did if they could. Many of them tell me no, because apparently, they learned from their mistakes and they had memories to look back on, i used to delude myself, telling myself the same thing, that i didnt want anything to be different because my mistakes made me stronger, they made me the person i am today and they would help shape the decisions i would make tomorrow.

FUCK.THAT.

Because the past seven months of my life have been filled with more mistakes and bad decisions than all the other years of my life put together. Each mistake did not make me wiser, it led to other mistakes, they led to bad decisions and i fucking swear to God that if i could, i would wipe clean those months. I would do things a WHOLE lot differently.

Its too late for 'could-haves' 'would-haves' and 'should-haves'

I cant fix whats past but i sure as hell have a say in my future.

because im tired of fixing things that clearly want to remain broken

because im tired of being nice to everyone and getting wickedness and stupidity in return

because im tired of having my feelings toyed with

because im crying.... again

because im tired of being judged

because i love you

because i sure as hell don't like the way i feel right now

because i never want to feel this way AGAIN

because im tired

Im taking control now

Im going to cry when i WANT to and not because you made me cry

Im going to make mistakes ON PURPOSE and because i want to, so that i don't get judged for something i didn't do purposely.
This is not directed at any one person
Its directed to all of you
and  you know yourselves
You are my bitches now yeah, cuz

You're gonna judge me because i GAVE YOU reason to and not because you want to.

You can fucking like me or fucking hate me because

if i had a million fucks

I.STILL. WOULDN'T.GIVE.YOU.ONE.

This is me on a rampage, no fucking turning back now, you want the claws, the catfights?

Guess what???

Smile!!! You win!!!

Surprised?

Welcome to me, on a whole new level.

In the words of Georgina Sparks

'You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back'

True Talk

Its true yeah but please get out of my head already... please?? Please???? Please!!!!!
Im sick and tired of this already... Just go. Thanks

Hi

These are the ramblings... going on in my head... at the moment

 what happens when your whole world falls apart??

 nothing... absolutely nothing

you just think its falling apart

 it never really does though

 life goes on.... and on... and on

 i know

that it hurts

 so bad...

 real bad

 thats what we have feelings for

to feel

so cry when you hurt

 let it all out

i'm really too old to be crying

cry still

and remember that by this time next year

you'll laugh about it

unless someone died

did someone die?

cause it would be totally inappropriate to laugh about death

no one died

but it feels like someone should

 then cry

just cry

nd when youre done

smile

because when you're down

remember that

 aint no place to go but up baby

The Life and Times of a Persistent Trouble Maker (Intro)

So.... im gonna write the actual post in approximately 3 weeks, this is just random babble because Osayi asked me to update my blog (p.s. im gonna write something about you... figure it out :P ) . I keep getting in trouble, trouble is one of my middle names that i have and definitely do NOT want. It wasn't always this way though, i had a peaceful childhood..... till i turned 12. iThink, it's been my best friend since then, i didn't really care before but now... its getting worse, im getting in trouble for things not even worth it... sha, you have to chill till my next post....

Have you ever told someone something, and the reaction they gave you was totally outta the blue?? Like you weren't even expecting it?? of course you have, people do it on regular basis... but sometimes.. its makes you think... and question the stuff you know or at least thought you knew.... and the way you see someone can completely change....... i know im definitely not being paranoid on this one, even though it sounds like it..
That being said... my creativity has run out.

Finally!!!!! a story by my friend F !!! she writes and you can read her stories (Here) , im addicted!! :p
This is an excerpt from one of her stories 'Born to Die'

I sliced. The pain welcomed me with the familiarity of an old friend. Where people had failed to, my pain had always been there to embrace me. It had been my life-long companion and would be with me till the end. I watched my veins gently whisper my scarlet secrets to the earth. It was the dead of night. The market had been deserted. Here I was, in a makeshift stall, with neither friends nor family and nothing but a shoplifted razor to my name, but I felt more powerful than I ever had. I took ownership of that death sentence and decided it was time for it to be fulfilled. My whole life, I had waited for help, understanding and love from others. Finally, I took control. I hated my life so I did something about it.

Yet, I failed at even that. Now I am staring outside the window of a general ward at the University College Hospital. Some misguided Samaritan must have found me. If only they knew the importance of what they had interrupted… Another bitter laugh wells up inside me as I inspect the bandages placed on my wrists. It is another excruciating irony that these fabrics intended to save my life are the very obstacles to my salvation. I want to bleed away my frustrations, bleed away my loneliness, bleed away my pain. I need to. I will.

In the village, they were waiting for me to die. It‘s only a matter of time. I am determined. After all, abiku is my name. Death is my purpose.


                                                                             *Kisses*                                                              
                                                                          ..::GaGa::..