Memoirs of a Deranged Teenage Non-Conformist Lazy Bones!!!
..::I'm not weird,i just don't conform to the same standards as you!!::..
iWrite because i can. Because i have two hands and ten (very beautiful) fingers that allow me to write. Because i have thoughts in my head that i want to write. Because i'm not quite sane. Because i am me :)
I think i've changed so much since i started this... and it doesn't represent me anymore..... anyhoo i don't want to give up on blogging just yet though... i have a new blog novacanenights.blogspot.com and i'm going to try writing again... if i can't, i'll delete that one and move on with my life *kanye shrug*
Today is the 24th of December.
On exactly this day last year, i made the biggest mistake i have ever made in my short life thus far.
And this mistake cost me dearly, it followed me into 2010, was the cause of 85% of my problems this year, totally ruined my reputation, credibility and sanity.
It took away alot from me, it took my courage, it took my then called 'friends'
Do you know what it feels like to walk into a room full of laughing, chatting people, and the room goes silent?
Have you faced several heavy and hurtful accusations with no way to defend yourself?
Have you needed someone so badly and they conveniently decided not to talk to you?
I think the worst part in all of this, is the hope i had.
i can be such a pathetic loser sometimes
Looking back today, i stand here a broken and bitter person.
Wishing i'd done things differently, wishing i'd never done anything at all. wishing i could go back, erase everything, make everyone forget about it, act like it never happened.
There was a time i thought i'd never be happy ever again, and so i let myself sink, i felt sorry for myself, i was so close to suicide, i never told anyone how i stood crying, with 2 bottles of extra-strength Tylenol, wondering if it would hurt and how long it would take.
But slowly, with the help of God and a few close friends, i was able to pick up the broken pieces, to push through everything.
I can honestly say that in the past month and half, i have been happier, more emotionally and mentally stable than i have been this whole year. I had a crap year and i'm not going to stand here and point fingers but changes have to be made. No more emotional bullshit, i've indulged in self-pity for too long. I am fucking awesome and have wasted a year of my life bullshitting.
i am going to learn from and rise above my mistakes, move forward and make my 2011 so much better than 2010.
And by this time next year, i shall have another story to tell. A better one. A happy one.
I'm on this, best believe that!!
Or maybe i just need someone to talk to..
There's nothing wrong with my old ones but,
lately, I've had a lot of bad stuff going on in my life this past week, and then to top it off, another uncle of mine died.
I've spent every day since living from one minute to the next, barely eating, just surviving.
and no one noticed, that i had no appetite, that i was constantly moody, angry, confused and out of sorts, that i needed to talk, that i was lonely.
I needed to talk to someone... just to get these feelings out,
and that was when it hit me.
I had no one to talk to.
Usually i had Kema, she is like my best friend and i love her but she is the worst comforter ever. In situations like this, she doesn't see reason to be upset, she listens with half an ear, airs out her opinion and brings up irrelevant things, i know she means well, but i tend to avoid deep talking with her....
Then I had Adam, he was better at listening but really bad at advising as he would proceed to point out all the things that could be worse than they already were. I would have called him, but these days, he doesn't really give a rat's ass about me or my problems anymore..
Elekty, Nancy and Sesi, the ones i see everyday, i tried.... i honestly did. But they always end up thinking im joking.....
Everyone else i talk to outside these are just acquaintances, and i mean it in all ways possible. People i see, smile at, make inconsequential small talk with , who barely know a thing about me and vice versa.
I needed to talk to someone so badly
i went through my phonebook, bbm contact list and skype.
How can someone have so many 'friends' and still no one to talk to??
Most people don't know i'm really emotional, i tend to write my problems out, but sometimes i need to talk too...
and i really needed to talk,
Actually, i still do...
so maybe i don't need new friends
maybe i just need someone to talk to......
Fuck society. Fuck normality. Get piercings. Get tattoos. Do drugs. Get high. Drink ‘till you pass out. Have sex. Love with all your heart. Play the music loud. Live your fucking life. Fuck what people expect of you. Do what makes you happy.
That girl had some demonic looking smile on her face. The look where you got something you been wanting for a long time. As I stared at her in that brief instance, It was like a window to her soul, I don't know how to explain it but I could see exactly how she felt. I saw the childlike glee first, a victory..and her first at that. I saw the smirk next.. She was glad, and she felt that I had finally gotten what I deserved. And finally I saw the gloat, she was gonna dangle it over me every chance she got.It went away as soon as she saw me staring. And that, more than anything else that had happened made me want to weep. She had done what she felt she needed for herself. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say and there wasn't much I could say. I wish I had told her before that, that I wasn't fighting with her.. I never was especially not now... My throat felt sandpapered. I wished the world would open up and swallow me. But it didn't. I turned around before the tears fell. I still had my dignity. And the stupid bitch wasn't gonna see me cry. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Not every girl wants to be in a relationship..... Some just want good company, a fella to vibe with, converse with, laugh with. Not in a rush about anything, We're both young, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us.
Start off simple, and let the rest find Itself. Just Having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and a good feeling. Minds connecting, Both on the same page, No bullshit, having someone that actually listens to you, your thoughts and wonders. Someone to cuddle when i'm lonely, a shoulder to cry on, someone to disagree with and fight with 'sometimes'. lol I don’t need the label “In a relationship” to feel that you care for or enjoy my company. Be sincere with me, it’s quite simple really. As a lady, I don’t expect nor need you to wine and dine me, I'm pretty sure i can pay for my own things. I don’t expect anything but your respect and company.
I have an alarming lack of sleepwear I went out and got one. Its a sleepshirt. Pink, black stripes.. and mickey mouse. #NothingSpecial.
Let me be the first to say that.. i don't like my body. i look slim... but i really am not. I hate my tummy. i could give you a million reasons/excuses why i hate it and why it is the way it is, but the bottom line would still be how much i hate it. I hate my skin.. i have terrible skin, and its not just my facial skin.
But i LOVE to sleep naked. It started back in boarding school in Nigeria. During a fierce heatwave, when it felt like the fans were blowing hot air against my already inflamed body. I couldn't take it. I took off my clothes.. everything except my panties, lay body down and slept. I liked it. and even when the temperature returned to its normal state, i kept at it. I spiced it up. Sometimes i took a shower just before bed, then flung my dripping wet body on the bed and dozed off. That was the absolute best. Sometimes, i woke up, lathered myself in body cream and put on one of my numerous pairs of thongs. It made me feel sooo damn good. i literally used to daydream in class about going to bed. Sometimes my friends teased... but no one ever really complained ( i wonder why??)
Boarding school flew by and i found myself at home. I couldn't really sleep nude at home. I had two small sisters who crawled into bed with me almost every night. Plus my parents didn't really believe in knocking, and they didn't believe my room should be locked either, i was also a late sleeper and later riser. basically, it was way to complicated to navigate and i got used to my sleepwear again College rolled around, i definitely wasn't going to sleep naked with an unfamiliar roomie, who knew what kind of lesbian tendencies she could have had ( thankfully none lol)
I couldn't bring myself to sleep naked though.. shyness maybe? This was the period in my life where i actually began to notice the slight bump in my tummy, the varying hue in my skin tone, the weight gain... and dare i say it? the stretch-marks ( damn weather and junk food). I began to feel like a huge blob. So i didn't sleep naked, i slept in a little as i could... tiny tank-tops, extremely short shorts and even in just my under-wear on extremely good days. Come summer 2010 a.k.a Hell on Earth. Did you guys feel that heat? i spent the bulk of it in Hamilton. Ooooh my Lordy, the breeze was warm and sticky, even the rain was hot!!!! It was straight back to my familiar routine of taking a cold shower and flinging my gloriously wet body onto the bed. Yippie!!! Then i moved to get ready for uni, i crashed at so many different places and you don't expect me to sleep naked all over town do ya?? lol Uni starts, got an apartment blah blah blah...
One day, too lazy to change, i fall asleep in only my panties. and i slept better than i had in a looonng while.. and i woke up with a smile on my face. And so it continues... There's this amazing feeling i get, from feeling the air on my bare skin I feel like such a sex-kitten Hot, sexy and naked in bed Sometimes wet.. sometimes oiled up I feel confident I run my hands up and down my luxuriously long legs Toss, turn and muddle my sheets up. Pulling my fingers through my hair over and over again... feeling like such a queen I never touch myself though Never ever. i believe God created the male species for a reason. Its Adam and Eve, not Madam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and definitely not a solo human. he created a pair. A hammer can never do the job of a screwdriver, at least not perfectly. And a screw cannot magically enter a hole by itself, it's fellow screw cannot help it get into the hole and a hammer might get it in but it gonna be ruined. So invest in a screwdriver than make do with a hammer. But i digress This post has been rather scattered, random, a little bit off-point and now i can't remember the point i was trying to make, so i shall just end here. Sorry about all the #Tags. Clear effects of twitter.
P.S Firstly, This is MY blog. Emphasis on 'MY'. If you don't like it, don't read it. Secondly, I do not live to please anyone (#Subliminal) Thirdly, I recently found out i have haters (surprising innit), if you are one of them or you think badly about me/ any of my blogs , kindly adhere to the following instructions
*Jump into the nearest river/canal/ocean/ body-of water and swim to babylon. If it just so happens that you are in babylon already, please swim to australia instead.* Let me know how the trip goes. ..::GaGa::..
I'm not sure how i feel right now. Numb? Yes Shocked? Yes Tearful? Very.......
A rumor gets halfway around the world while the truth is still putting his shoes on. Assuming i did all you heard i did? Above all things, i'm you're friend. At least i thought i was. If the whole world had their backs turned against me, i certainly did not expect to see you there. Everyone makes mistakes.....so i can't be forgiven? i can't? really?
But then again i told you i definitely did NOT do any of those. and you didn't believe me. I never lie to you, even when i should. I'd rather not say anything at all, than to lie to you. ''You're Lying'', you said. '' I don't believe you and you're lying''. That was when the first tear fell. ''So many holes in your story''. ''You're not making sense''. You wonder why i was silent? You wonder why i choked on my words?? I cried. Not because you were right, but because i could not believe that you of all people would throw those words at me. That you were so willing to think the worst of me. I thought we were in a good place. I thought we were stronger than that. but thats just me... thinking wrong again. If at all everything else went wrong between us, i thought we'd be friends till the end. I thought i'd always be able to call on you in my darkest hours.. and that you'd answer. Me and my stupid thoughts, the joke's on me.
You said i bring drama to your life. wow. I am a drama-queen. I accept that, everyone knows that. but thats not the drama you meant. Do you know? What i went through? What i still go through? because of you??? because i loved you??? No, you don't. and you never will. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. You want me out of your life? i'll go. and i'll take my drama and lies with me. Don't kick me out like some dog. i'll walk. I'll walk far and fast and i won't stop till you're happy. I did learn a lesson from all this though. Never go after something you clearly were not meant to have. This is an ode, to a friendship that was doomed from inception. We were all too blind to notice.
Hugs are one of my absolute best things in this world I believe that everyone i talk to is suited to a particular type of hug depending on our relationship and how close we are. Ofcourse they don't always know this ;p Sometimes though, the right person gives me the right hug oh boy....... oh Joyyy!!!!!!! A hug can literally make my day.. or 2 days even! Therefore, i have compiled a list of my best ( and one worst) hugs ( Yes, i actually did and you're gonna read it cuz really.. what choice do you have)
Tight hugs: The ones where they just hug you super tight for a long time with no words. These are like alcohol to me!! My absolute best-est-est-est!!!!!
Unexpected hugs: The ones where you’re just doing your own thing and they come from behind and hug you unexpectedly. This is typically a boy hug... if a girl ever did this to me, it would be VERY VERY akward ( this is to all my homo-ish friends out there oh!! biko, i love you but dont hug me like this!! Ever!! Thank You)
Lift up hugs: The ones where you run up to them, and they have their arms all wide, and you just run up and you lift up your legs and they carry you. This is a very disney-like hug.. very dramatic and i've probably only like twice.. i have fantasies of doing it again someday.... preferably in a corn field somewhere.. or on a busy street in the rain. (A girl is allowed to dream right??)
Spinny hugs: The ones where they hug you and spin you around in circles. I dont even know why this hug is here. These days, everyone that hugs me seems to spin, even when they don't do the full 360 circle, they atleast move 180 degrees.. or even 90 degrees but they all seem to move. Stand still jo!! abi are there soldier ants in your feet?? kmt I love this hug oh!! just that so many random people that i just meant to hug and move away like to prolong the issue. This doesn't mean that anybody should stop hugging me abeg, half- bread is better than none!!!
Vanessa Hug: This ofcourse is the part where i hug you, anyway i want, regardless of who you are and how you feel about it. The point here being that i want to hug you and therefore im going to hug you. Usually given at random either when i feel like i need a hug or i feel like you need a hug. #ThankMeLater
MY WORST HUG happens to be that one arm-one sided hug. I hate that hug and im not usually one to hate or procrastinate against any kind of hugs but.. damn damn damn... i hate that hug. If and as long as you have to working hands and a working fully rounded torso then don't hug me this way and best believe that when people hug me this way.. the first thing i say is 'idiot' (usually out loud to my friends and in my head to all others) But if you are an adult, or teacher, or any of my mother's./father's friends PLEASE Hug me this way.. i wouldn't want it any other way and i promise not to call you an idiot (both in and out of my head)