iWrite because i can. Because i have two hands and ten (very beautiful) fingers that allow me to write. Because i have thoughts in my head that i want to write. Because i'm not quite sane. Because i am me :)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My World 2.0

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
(Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a broken heart)

Sometimes, i ask people if they would change some of the things they did if they could. Many of them tell me no, because apparently, they learned from their mistakes and they had memories to look back on, i used to delude myself, telling myself the same thing, that i didnt want anything to be different because my mistakes made me stronger, they made me the person i am today and they would help shape the decisions i would make tomorrow.

Because the past seven months of my life have been filled with more mistakes and bad decisions than all the other years of my life put together. Each mistake did not make me wiser, it led to other mistakes, they led to bad decisions and i fucking swear to God that if i could, i would wipe clean those months. I would do things a WHOLE lot differently.
Its too late for 'could-haves' 'would-haves' and 'should-haves'
I cant fix whats past but i sure as hell have a say in my future.
because im tired of fixing things that clearly want to remain broken
because im tired of being nice to everyone and getting wickedness and stupidity in return
because im tired of having my feelings toyed with
because im crying.... again
because im tired of being judged
because i love you
because i sure as hell don't like the way i feel right now
because i never want to feel this way AGAIN
because im tired

Im taking control now
Im going to cry when i WANT to and not because you made me cry
Im going to make mistakes ON PURPOSE and because i want to, so that i don't get judged for something i didn't do purposely.
This is not directed at any one person
Its directed to all of you
and  you know yourselves
You are my bitches now yeah, cuz
You're gonna judge me because i GAVE YOU reason to and not because you want to.
You can fucking like me or fucking hate me because
if i had a million fucks


This is me on a rampage, no fucking turning back now, you want the claws, the catfights?
Guess what???
Smile!!! You win!!!
Welcome to me, on a whole new level.

In the words of Georgina Sparks
'You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back'

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