My Roulette

And you can see my heart beating

You can see it through my chest

And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving

Know that I must must pass this test

So just pull the trigger

           

                        -Rihanna 

I used to think russian roulette was a very stupid and dangerous game... actually... i still do

but now.. i feel i can relate with the players on some level...

i dont exactly know why they feel the need to play with their lives for the sake of getting a 'thrill'.

I can relate to their feelings.. because on one hand, he/she might not get shot, and thats all fine and dandy.. but they also realize that they might get shot and that the consequence of getting shot is probably death or a life threatening injury that could leave them as vegetables.. either way, getting shot is not good..... but somebody's gonna get shot.

I feel like im in a position where i'm inevitably going to get shot...

i dont mean literally... i mean, like im going to get hurt

theres a tiny possibility that im not going to get hurt

a ten in hundred chance that everything is gonna be ok

but theres also a 90 in hundred chance that i get hurt.

Why dont i stop playing?? 

because like the poor roulette players.... i just cant

im driven by need and curiosity

to see the outcome

am i gonna be that lucky 10 in 100

able to tell the story another day

or am i gonna get hurt

hurt on a level that i may never fully recover from

but its a chance i have to take

because i have to know

because i wont rest 

till you point the gun at my head

till i see you pull the trigger

till you hurt me bad enough

that i cant take even an inch more

till i am weak and broken

i may be asking for trouble

but i have to know

lets talk about it

once and for all

let it all out

shoot me a million times

i really dont care or mind

heal me or hurt me

just do something

ANYTHING