she feels heartbroken and he doesnt know why because they never really had anything..........

Hello??

Anybody out there??
i have realised that
its high time i get professional help
like a therapist or psychologist.
but i really do need professional help
i told my parents
they laughed
very funny
they wont find it so funny when i  overdose
or slit my wrists..
ha fucking ha
who's laughing now
nobody....

My Roulette

And you can see my heart beating

You can see it through my chest

And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving

Know that I must must pass this test

So just pull the trigger

           

                        -Rihanna 

I used to think russian roulette was a very stupid and dangerous game... actually... i still do

but now.. i feel i can relate with the players on some level...

i dont exactly know why they feel the need to play with their lives for the sake of getting a 'thrill'.

I can relate to their feelings.. because on one hand, he/she might not get shot, and thats all fine and dandy.. but they also realize that they might get shot and that the consequence of getting shot is probably death or a life threatening injury that could leave them as vegetables.. either way, getting shot is not good..... but somebody's gonna get shot.

I feel like im in a position where i'm inevitably going to get shot...

i dont mean literally... i mean, like im going to get hurt

theres a tiny possibility that im not going to get hurt

a ten in hundred chance that everything is gonna be ok

but theres also a 90 in hundred chance that i get hurt.

Why dont i stop playing?? 

because like the poor roulette players.... i just cant

im driven by need and curiosity

to see the outcome

am i gonna be that lucky 10 in 100

able to tell the story another day

or am i gonna get hurt

hurt on a level that i may never fully recover from

but its a chance i have to take

because i have to know

because i wont rest 

till you point the gun at my head

till i see you pull the trigger

till you hurt me bad enough

that i cant take even an inch more

till i am weak and broken

i may be asking for trouble

but i have to know

lets talk about it

once and for all

let it all out

shoot me a million times

i really dont care or mind

heal me or hurt me

just do something

ANYTHING

Where art thou?? Come Quickly

Yeah, im talking to you Fall!!!!

cuz summer is killing me here mehn!!

There is a HUGE difference between Nigeria and Canada in terms of summer, cuz in naija, no matter how hot it is, the wind must still blow and it must always be cool.

This stupid mass of confused weather that calls itself Canada ehn... i see why people didnt really fight to colonize it sha and i also see why britain didnt argue when Canada wanted its independence because seriously yeah, who wants this hot mess of weather.

The weather here is exactly like someone is standing in the sky aiming a giant blow dryer on heat towards the earth.. or rather, towards Canada.. or even towards me. Its soooooo Hot!! and then when the weather decides to be stupid, it goes winter on our asses and leaves us shivering in our little booty shorts and tank top cuz we expected hot weather.

I try to cope in this weather tho, i have a giant fan plugged in by my side, Hooking me up with much needed air because it seems like the air in this country only moves in winter when we dont want it.

I suggest Tim Hortons Iced Cappuccino if the heat is getting to you, it does wonders for the soul and the body.. wholesome goodness.. hehe

I hate Tim Hortons though, because they are too stupid to see that if they start accepting debit cards, they would probably make more money than Starbucks ( atleast in Canada)

because i hate holding cash on me.. and most of my coins go to laundry and vending machines so whenever i need coffee, i have to find somewhere to get some cash-back which mostly involves me buying some next magazine or pack of gum just to get 3 loonies to buy some damn coffee.

And when that fails, i have to go to the bank and WITHDRAW which i hate doing, i really do hate to have cash on me at anytime, and at the bank where the minimum withdrawal is $20, then i go to tim hortons and they break the money into smaller pieces all for a $3 cup of cappuccino??

It hardly happens to me though cuz i have a Tim-Card but when i forget to reload my Tim-Card.. it sucks!!!

The point of this long story being that Tim Hortons Iced Cap helps you cope with the heat and that you should buy it.

Swimming is soooo yummy at this time of the year, that really goes without saying tho.

My best season therefore are

1) Fall

2) Spring

3) Winter

Summer is not there yet.. until it behaves itself...

**********************************************************************************

About my Last Post :

I realize its a bit ... (errr whats the word) Harsh? Deep? Mean? idk

I was writing in anger and its shows a bit of the deranged and teenage part of me (raging hormones and all)

BUT

Even though im in a much better mood now, i meant every single word i said.

A lot of things and people are dead to me from this point on.

I promised myself that i'd stick with it

and i promised to bear the consequences.

Some people may be disappointed in me

( Im really really sorry Somto)

But hey, thats life and you cant please everyone

i hope tho, that when im done,  i can find myself again.

Deuces 

xx

My World 2.0

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

(Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a broken heart)

Sometimes, i ask people if they would change some of the things they did if they could. Many of them tell me no, because apparently, they learned from their mistakes and they had memories to look back on, i used to delude myself, telling myself the same thing, that i didnt want anything to be different because my mistakes made me stronger, they made me the person i am today and they would help shape the decisions i would make tomorrow.

FUCK.THAT.

Because the past seven months of my life have been filled with more mistakes and bad decisions than all the other years of my life put together. Each mistake did not make me wiser, it led to other mistakes, they led to bad decisions and i fucking swear to God that if i could, i would wipe clean those months. I would do things a WHOLE lot differently.

Its too late for 'could-haves' 'would-haves' and 'should-haves'

I cant fix whats past but i sure as hell have a say in my future.

because im tired of fixing things that clearly want to remain broken

because im tired of being nice to everyone and getting wickedness and stupidity in return

because im tired of having my feelings toyed with

because im crying.... again

because im tired of being judged

because i love you

because i sure as hell don't like the way i feel right now

because i never want to feel this way AGAIN

because im tired

Im taking control now

Im going to cry when i WANT to and not because you made me cry

Im going to make mistakes ON PURPOSE and because i want to, so that i don't get judged for something i didn't do purposely.
This is not directed at any one person
Its directed to all of you
and  you know yourselves
You are my bitches now yeah, cuz

You're gonna judge me because i GAVE YOU reason to and not because you want to.

You can fucking like me or fucking hate me because

if i had a million fucks

I.STILL. WOULDN'T.GIVE.YOU.ONE.

This is me on a rampage, no fucking turning back now, you want the claws, the catfights?

Guess what???

Smile!!! You win!!!

Surprised?

Welcome to me, on a whole new level.

In the words of Georgina Sparks

'You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back'

True Talk

Its true yeah but please get out of my head already... please?? Please???? Please!!!!!
Im sick and tired of this already... Just go. Thanks