iWrite because i can. Because i have two hands and ten (very beautiful) fingers that allow me to write. Because i have thoughts in my head that i want to write. Because i'm not quite sane. Because i am me :)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Stare Out The Window.

               Every morning on my way to school and noon time on my way back,i sit on either side of the sixth seat from the bus driver.I put my headphones on and play loud music,i rest my head on the cool glass of the window, stare out and remain that way till i get to my destination.
                           I ignore everything and every one,their early morning chatter does not interest me,neither do their noon time jokes and loud music. They wonder why i do not talk and i smile to myself, little do they know that  my mind takes me to place they cannot imagine,to a place where my problems do not exist,where i am happy and surrounded by the ones i love.

                           Scenery whizzes by but i do not see, Music plays but i do not hear, i am stuck in a gleeful limbo.................

I feel a tap on my shoulder....bile rises in my throat,i clearly do not want to be disturbed but i turn all the same...its Tolu, ' whats wrong' he asks....'nothing'..... 'but you look sad'...'im fine'.. 'sure???'  ...he persists.....'yea' (i plaster the best smile i can muster on my face) and turn back to the window.

                         Some  days,i am so frustrated,i am tired of smiling and pretending to be happy all the time,im tired of being energetic,of trying my hardest to smile when people hurt me, even when my fingers make fists so tight i feel my blood stop and my heart pounds in my ears and the sting of tears in my eyes,i smile. On those day which are sadly becoming frequent,i am afraid of the bus.
Because once i get in,the battle starts, me against my tears...i fight as hard as i can,keeping my face to the window as hard as possible so no one sees my tear-rimmed eyes.More often than not,i lose. The Hot angry tears gushing down my cheeks. I Cry and cry, iv never felt so alone in my life.

                    I wish for my friends,my real friends not the ones i smile at and play with here but the ones i left behind,the ones that woud know something was wrong before they even see my face.They know im sad,they hear it in my voice when we talk,they sense it in my words when we I.M. 

           I want some one to talk to, someone to listen to my ramblings without interrupting, someone to just hold me and let me cry my frustrations away. Pompom listens to me at night,he listens to my heartbreaking cries, muffled so my roomie doesn't awake, he tries to hold me but he's just a gay teddy so he gets distracted by Fubzy (roomies teddy)

            The crush is dying,slowly fading away, slowly because im trying to make it last a while. The magic  left 2 days ago leaving behind all the ugly truth i tried not to see before.Like fallen glass,it was whole for a really long time and then broken in a single second,in the blink of an eye but the damage had already been done.i wish it wouldn't go because it was mercifully distracting but the more i fight it,the faster it goes.

                I cannot sleep well,i have bin tossing and turning all night long till the sun rises,i feel more tired than when i slept of. I discovered pain relievers could clear your mind and leave you blank if yu took four at a time,i discovered that taking those four with soda left my mind refreshingly blank and carefree. I do not leave home without them. I reach into my purse at the slightest sign of stress,when im sad or angry like today,i reach into my purse.Two first,5 minute interval,Another two,Can of soda and 10 minutes later im hyperactive...i dont mind,anything is better than being unhappy.

...............I am WIERD.....i know but i like it, thats the way i was made so if you have a problem with it then you should know that i really don't care......and if you keep pissing me off...i will punch you....and break your fucking nose...if your lucky..i'll aim for your Guts..
i miss my mom so much ryt now

                  I'm going to eat Lays,Drink punch and read Teen Vogue till i pass out. And tomorrow morning,as always,i will stare out the Window.

                                                           * Kisses*





kema said...

i'ld skip all of the "ohh im soo upset" part.
k, honestly, i know how u feel, like exactly. and i have just one equation
works fine for me, u shud try it.
n then, u shud do away with 4 pain relievers everytime, r u trying to go to rehab?

Fragilelooks said...

breathe easy. evrithing's gonna be just fine.

chayoma said...

Cry it all out luv.
Then find something to indulge in.
Make new friends....

u only live twice
One for urself
One in ur dreams

Start living for urself in the present.
Cry out all thst pain
Drown it in a tub of french vanilla or cookie dough icecream
and then
do something fun
Go out.
Do something u probably on a normal day wldnt do.
Give LIFE a shot!

It happens...

ditch those pain killers. u sound like a druggie.

GaGa said...

Chayoma--one word HARSH!! but thanks,thats what i needed to hear!!

FragileLooks-phhheeeewww...i am..thanks!!

Kema-im not addicted to them (yet!!)
but im aiite now..thanks!!

GaGa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.