Dear God,

                      Dear God,

                It’s me again. Do you hear that?? Its silence, because this time, I have nothing to say. If I have to say it again, if you don’t already know, then why should I say it? What do you want from me? Oh yeah, I know you’re super busy. Earthquakes in Haiti, People Dying in Jos, People with terminal diseases…. Yeah, you have loads on your hand. But what about me?? It’s been five long hellish years of waiting…. I’m still waiting. I’m not important because I have two hands and legs and no terminal disease? What does a girl have to do around here to get help from you? Should I act the way I feel? Should I cry every single fucking day? Is that what you want?? Because I have carried this little cross of mine all by myself, with the exception of those involved. Did I do something wrong?? Because if I did, I am really really sorry. I wake up every day, and I act like everything’s okay, lately, its been getting harder.

                I want to thank you, for my family, however dysfunctional they are. I thank you for the roof over my head and the food that I eat. For these I am forever grateful. I have begged you long and hard, I want you to know that I’m going now. I’m not having this conversation with you anymore and whenever I pop into your mind, whenever you want me, I’ll be waiting. Please come soon. Thanks

                                                                                                           Nessa.

Impossible

                      I used to think there was only one kind of heartbreak and that was the kind I was used to feeling. The kind that caused an ache inside of me and caused me to weep for hours, wishing the pain would go away. I never knew I could wish such pain on myself again. Because it hurts, this new kind of heartbreak hurts in ways I never knew could hurt. I feel numb and broken. I feel nothing and I feel everything, I feel useless and irrelevant. I've been through three frikkin break-ups, this wasn't even a real break-up so how the hell does this hurt more??  Funny part is….. I caused it; I can’t blame anyone but myself because i walked right into it. I can’t even sleep, its waiting for me in my dreams, I can’t eat… I feel fat…..  and I lost, I knew I was going to lose, I always lose but this time I didn’t expect to feel like such a massive loser when it eventually happened. I wish I could go back in time (who doesn’t), I wish I never came here. It’s funny how a person can completely change your life without even knowing or caring.  I don’t know what to do….and I don’t know how to cope all I know is that I don’t want to feel this way… but as always, Story of my damn life

#now playing- ‘Impossible’ (Shontelle)

You were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake,

I was careless, I forgot

I did. And now

When all is done, there is nothing to say

 You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

 You can go ahead and tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the rooftops

Write it on the skyline

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped, would be

Impossible

Matrix

So i chose this title because even though i have never watched matrix revolution (i hate movies like that, i have also never watched/do not like lord of the rings and avatar (i know)). 
I know enough about matrix to know that it has a lot of 'MAGIC' fighting moves and stuff, sha sha, lemme get to my story.


         For those of you who dont know , I AM A BLACKBERRY ADDICT. i am on it shit 24/7. i wake up at night just to check that its still under my pillow and dont you dare touch my blackberry. Before i got it, i always thought the blackberry was overrated (and if you think that then SUCK IT!!) but after i got my blackberry, it was 'till death do us part'. I loved it like the child i've never had, i cleaned it, bought loads of cases for it, downloaded a million themes and lavished it with attention, me without my blackberry is NOTHING. We loved each other, his name was A*** (cuz im weird like that), he knew just the right time to vibe, loving bringing me all my notifications, he laffed with me at funny things and hissed with me at dem stupid bbm broadcasts. 


     Our marital bliss came to an end yesterday, while  i was bbm-ing my beloved SomSom. i was rushing to the washroom, with A*** in my hand and i kinda hit my hand in the process of opening the damn door and the next thing i knew, A*** flew right outta my hand and straight into the (yup, you guessed it) Toilet. (thats the matrix!! lol ) where he began to vibe because SomSom had just replied.
First reaction: *shock* *horror* *gasp* A*** is in the toilet
Second reaction: *eeewww, im not putting my hand into a toilet
third reaction: but its A***c
So i did what no human should never have to do in her life *shudder* i got him out
INSTANT PANIC
I began dissasembling it like a woman on fire, threw of the case, threw out the battery, removed the sim
Now what??  i let it dry
advice came from all over, 'let it dry', it'll be fine', blah blah blah
24 hours later, the phone is blacked out, dead, wont come on, wont respond to anything and  i feel hopelessly lost.




          God works in Amazing ways. Last week, my friend told me that my love for my blackberry was unhealthy (dunno when he became a doctor oh) and adviced me to back it up and shockingly, i did!! so all i have to do is get a new bb and everything's gonna be okay right?? WRONG!!! because im facing a $600 dollar fee for a new one and my birthday is next week and i can't even tell my dad cuz water seems to spoil all my stuff remember the ruined lappie  case right?? where soda spilled on my lappie, so its birthday or blackberry and SORRY to all the birthday cake eaters but i pick my blackberry. I have a history with water and electronics and its never my fault iSwear!! Things like this just generally happen to me. A movie needs to be made outta my life,you'll be highly entertained by it trust me. Some people tell me to wait a month and try the phone again.... seriously people, i can NOT survive a  month without my blackberry jho!!

       Eulogy: my blackberry bold 9000 (white) A*** who lived a brief short life full of fun and laughter, he heard all the gossip and gist as well as all the scoldings from daddy dearest.He knew my inner most thoughts and every single password i have. let us have a moment of silence.
January 14th 2010 to April 8th 2010
Survived by: MzNessa *sob sob*
You will be greatly missed




    Tweet me!! Twitter.com/bosshunnay.  ps: for those of you who pinged me and ddint get a reply, now you know why. and i never re-read my work (even in exams, i just cant) so if you have a problem .....ermm..Suck it!! 






                                                             *kisses*                                                                                       
                                                             ..::GaGa::..                                                                                  

Do You Remember??

A Purse??

A Laptop thats a purse as well??
i sha like the concept, but in reality tho, why would you want to carry your laptop to a party or sumn. A purse is meant for keeping important things like powder and lipgloss and wallets!!! i cant imagine needing a lappie when im going to watch a movie or or dancing at a party with a heavy ass purse in the name of fashionable laptop, however i can imagine goin for lecture with a purse that just so happens to be a laptop..... but does that mean i have to carry two purses to lectures, because i sure as heck wont carry the rest of my stuff on  my head, will i?
AND i know im overthinking the issue but thats my opinion  :)

Lurv Lurv Lurvv.. it sucks innit??

 

Is It Just Me???

Is It Just Me??

You’re with her

I’m with him

Is it just me?

Or do we keep staring at each other?

Did I just smile at you?

Did you just wink at me?

Or is it just me again?

I felt a jolt

When we shook

You kissed my hand

My Legs went weak

That was definitely just me!!

I Love your eyes

You love my lips

And all that flirting

It certainly wasn’t just me.

And that Kiss

My God

That Kiss

For sure, that was both of us!!

But I still have him

You still have her

And we have each other

In the Shadows

For Now…..

And Someday…..

Maybe someday…..

Nah... That’s just me again!!

(Don’t get too carried away, I couldn’t sleep, it was 2 a.m. what better thing to do than what I do best but to WRITE!!!)

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Clumziie

IMiisedMyBloggiie!!!!

                   Feels so good to blog again, and NO bloggie,stop staring at me like that,you know i wouldnt abandon you ever!!! 
          So the world is a very ironic place to be in,i survived not one but TWO chicken pox outbreaks in Nigeria,that hot country of a place. My momma always told me each time i worried that i wouldn't get it because she never had it and so i always believed her......and i survived the two outbreaks,i remember watching my friend Brenda itching in the Sick Bay and i said to her what id heard others say a million times, DON'T ITCH and with the tears of frustration she still itched,still scarred herself and still regretted it later on.
           Here in the Canada,the last thing i could ever imagine was Chicken Pox!!!!. It was a Sunday Morning,i remember not going to church because i was Lazy. After church Ivy came round on her way to the library,she was feeling a bit sickly and she had forgotten her jacket at home and asked for mine.
    I checked the whole frikkin house for my 'other jacket' (the one i let people wear) but it vanished, couldn't remember  if i'd given it out and she looked so Hopeless i just had to give her my black school jacket and off she went with a 'see you in school'
   Woke up late the next morning as usual, couldn't find my school jacket and the bus was bout to leave so i just threw on something black and left, phew!!! it was freezing outside but who was on the bus with my lovely warm jacket?? yup,Ivy!!!!! I just put it on without thinking and off to school we went.
By the End of the day,i discovered Ivy had the chicken pox but by then i barely remembered that i'd given her my jacket.
Wednesday Morning,two bumps on my tummy,one on my arm,one on my face,all exactly the same and very itchy,i thought it was my allergies acting up again,made a mental note to pick up some hydro cortisone cream at the pharmacy after school,by third period Ladies and Gentle..yup yup...i have the Chicken pox people!!!
      Thursday Morning, Roomie discovers same spots on her body,yes people,we have an epidemic on our hands.


    The chicken pox was TERRIBLE,it itched and when you itched it,it hurt,there was no escape,high fevers,sleepless nights and GOD BLESS WHOEVER INVENTED CALAMINE LOTION!!!


Then comes Murphy's Law,for those of you who don't know it,i shall explain
Murphy's Law states that
             Anything Bad that can Happen will Happen and at the Worst possible time...
        As i was sitting in Bed trying to Facebook, white as a ghost from calamine lotion and running yet another fever and about to take yet some more fever reducers. I reached out for the glass of punch by my bedside and i dunno what happened or how it happened but one minute the cup was in my hand and the next minute there was bright RED punch all over my laptop. I panicked,i shut it off,turned it upside down all night and turned it back on in the morning.......it would not come on....i was frustrated,i tell you really was and i happened to be dead broke at the time and even if i had money in my account,i wasn't about to leave the house with Chicken pox. My camera gets stolen too.Story of my Damn Life.. 
                  
                                            but finally,my chicken pox goes and God blessed me too!! i have like only 3 scars,i went to get my laptop cleaned for $200 (there goes those shoe's I've been eyeing) and i found out Exactly who took my camera so i got it back as well and then i had so much to catch up and still have so much to do but I've taken care of the priorities,had 2 tests today and another bloody one tomorrow,midterms in 2 weeks,and essays and book reports to write till then...*sigh*




   New Blog name?? Yes because im finally gonna write the way i want,im gonna be my random-deranged-nail biting-air guitar playing-talking too much-need to cool down-self!!!! YaY!!! 




I have some major catching up to do in blogsville, and a test to read for!!!!!!!!
                                                                   *Kisses*
                                                                       ...::GaGa::..


          

I Stare Out The Window.

               Every morning on my way to school and noon time on my way back,i sit on either side of the sixth seat from the bus driver.I put my headphones on and play loud music,i rest my head on the cool glass of the window, stare out and remain that way till i get to my destination.
             
                           I ignore everything and every one,their early morning chatter does not interest me,neither do their noon time jokes and loud music. They wonder why i do not talk and i smile to myself, little do they know that  my mind takes me to place they cannot imagine,to a place where my problems do not exist,where i am happy and surrounded by the ones i love.


                           Scenery whizzes by but i do not see, Music plays but i do not hear, i am stuck in a gleeful limbo.................


I feel a tap on my shoulder....bile rises in my throat,i clearly do not want to be disturbed but i turn all the same...its Tolu, ' whats wrong' he asks....'nothing'..... 'but you look sad'...'im fine'.. 'sure???'  ...he persists.....'yea' (i plaster the best smile i can muster on my face) and turn back to the window.


                         Some  days,i am so frustrated,i am tired of smiling and pretending to be happy all the time,im tired of being energetic,of trying my hardest to smile when people hurt me, even when my fingers make fists so tight i feel my blood stop and my heart pounds in my ears and the sting of tears in my eyes,i smile. On those day which are sadly becoming frequent,i am afraid of the bus.
Because once i get in,the battle starts, me against my tears...i fight as hard as i can,keeping my face to the window as hard as possible so no one sees my tear-rimmed eyes.More often than not,i lose. The Hot angry tears gushing down my cheeks. I Cry and cry, iv never felt so alone in my life.


                    I wish for my friends,my real friends not the ones i smile at and play with here but the ones i left behind,the ones that woud know something was wrong before they even see my face.They know im sad,they hear it in my voice when we talk,they sense it in my words when we I.M. 


           I want some one to talk to, someone to listen to my ramblings without interrupting, someone to just hold me and let me cry my frustrations away. Pompom listens to me at night,he listens to my heartbreaking cries, muffled so my roomie doesn't awake, he tries to hold me but he's just a gay teddy so he gets distracted by Fubzy (roomies teddy)


            The crush is dying,slowly fading away, slowly because im trying to make it last a while. The magic  left 2 days ago leaving behind all the ugly truth i tried not to see before.Like fallen glass,it was whole for a really long time and then broken in a single second,in the blink of an eye but the damage had already been done.i wish it wouldn't go because it was mercifully distracting but the more i fight it,the faster it goes.


                I cannot sleep well,i have bin tossing and turning all night long till the sun rises,i feel more tired than when i slept of. I discovered pain relievers could clear your mind and leave you blank if yu took four at a time,i discovered that taking those four with soda left my mind refreshingly blank and carefree. I do not leave home without them. I reach into my purse at the slightest sign of stress,when im sad or angry like today,i reach into my purse.Two first,5 minute interval,Another two,Can of soda and 10 minutes later im hyperactive...i dont mind,anything is better than being unhappy.


...............I am WIERD.....i know but i like it, thats the way i was made so if you have a problem with it then you should know that i really don't care......and if you keep pissing me off...i will punch you....and break your fucking nose...if your lucky..i'll aim for your Guts..
i miss my mom so much ryt now


                  I'm going to eat Lays,Drink punch and read Teen Vogue till i pass out. And tomorrow morning,as always,i will stare out the Window.


                                                           * Kisses*
                                                            ...::GaGa::...


                        


                      


                   

I Write Because I Crush

The sweetest,most distracting thing in this world.Crushes come in so many forms,they start in so many ways.

*

A smile from a stranger,a face in a magazine or even on a billboard or t.v,even a friend or acquaintance,perhaps you looked a their faces a bit differently  for no real reason.

It might not even be a face, sometimes,you hear a persons voice,you read a persons words and it feels like a match made in heaven.

*

No matter the kind of crush you have,the feelings are always the same.Love (what you think is love but is actually lust),Desire,Longing..and the Forbidden feeling of crushing after something thats not yours,something that you want so badly to belong to you,an almost painful yearning.

*

Your thoughts are occupied by this person,you feel a sudden connection to this person,you want to know more about this fascinating person,you imagine a whole personality for your crush.

*

Crushes bring an extra spring to your step,a blush to your cheeks,smiles are never far from your lips,your feet keep tapping to the senseless toneless tune that you cant seem to stop humming,the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep,they possess all your dreams and still remain the first thing on your mind when you awake,time has no meaning or boundary,it just you and your crush.

*

Crushes are ever so distracting,you leave the taps on,burn your food,leave your iron on,misplace every single thing you own,forget even the simplest things like your own phone number....yet,you don't notice these things,they make no difference to you because you have a crush and thats all that matters.

*

You idolize your crush,your crush is faultless in your eyes,you make up excuses for all their flaws,ignore it even,blame the flaw,blame the world as long as its not your crush, everything is gonna be just fine.

*

And because most of the time,your crushee never actually knows he/she is being crushed on,you admire from a distance,if the person is already your friend,thats makes it all the better.You read meaning into every word or touch....create fantasies out the words...

Every day,you look forward to seeing the crush,imagining great things happening,and then wen you finally see the person............

.....................

...................

NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!

(surprised?)

because its all been in your head,all the feeling,emotion,everything isn't real and you feel a crushing disappointment and a brief defeat to the real world..and for a microscopic second your come back to senses and realize that you are being irrational and you lick your wounds a bit.....but only for a microscopic second...then it all starts again..

.......................................

on and on and on and on

..the cycle keeps spinning

then one day

STOP

You realize that your crush is nowhere as amazing as you thought they were,that they aren't as good looking,or as fun or nice as you thought.

They might be downright annoying even.

You realize how dumb you've been.

then you promise never to do that to yourself again

...........................................................

Until you meet your next crush

*

And even if you were lucky enough to get your crush

it'll never work out,you know why??

cuz crushes are too real,you have so much emotions already,all the longing,want,Lust,

the tiny bit of relationship you have with your crush will never be able to stand,because you'd already have so many high expectations.

*

**

***

****

*****

******

*******

*

*

*

To crush or not to crush????

I cannot stop watching trey songz -I invented sex

and Lady Gaga-Bad Romance
*
Happy buffdae Lloyd Henry Umeh!!

xoxo

....:::Gaga:::...